Are you in a relationship or relation shit?

The COVID-19 pandemic has made something evident, the trials and tribulations of life are dealt unevenly depending on your race, gender, and financial class. These trials and tribulations are made much worse if you have the wrong partner at your side. After all, relationships can be tough in the best of circumstances. But, during times of trouble a bad relationships can be taxing on your mental, emotional and even physical well-being.

If, during 2020, you questioned the value of your relationship, then 2021 is the year you should give yourself an answer. To obtain an answers to relationship questions I recommend that you do some self analysis and inventory. If you need help on how to start this process, read on…

Self analysis

Any relationship in which you are in must work for you. If the relationship feels like work, then it may not be the right relationship. But only you can determine whether you are in a relationship or a relation shit. Even your mom or best friend cannot tell you if you are in a relation shit because they do not experience it first hand.

If you want to find an answer to the title question, “are you in a relationship or relation shit”, you must ask hard questions. I propose you start with the following six questions. They have helped me in my past and current relationships. They may help you begin to find an answer to your relationship questions.

  1. Are you happy with the intimacy you share with your partner?
  2. Do you feel as strongly or stronger for your partner than you did at the beginning of the relationship?
  3. Do you trust your partner and does your partner trust you?
  4. Do you look forward to your future with your partner?
  5. Do you respect each other?
  6. Does your relationship make you feel good about yourself?

These are heavy questions, right? They are not meant to be simple yes or no questions, though they can be answered with a simple yes or no. Rather, they should be used as a springboard so you can inventory your relationship. The seventh question you should ask as a follow up to each question is “WHY?” The answers to your why’s will help you get clarity.

Do you have some answers yet? Once you have some answers, the stage is set for you to… contemplate your answers. I know. You probably expected me to tell you to ditch your relationship and enjoy the sun. No. The truth is that unless you are in a relationship where your physical life or mental health are at risk, you should think before pulling the trigger on a relationship decision.

Besides, your only choices are not just stay the same or go. In my opinion, there are three things you can do after analyzing your relationship. You can decide to “Stay”, “Stay with Changes” or “Go.”

STAY

If your relationship has shown small signs of crack and wear as a result of 2020, take a moment to recognize that we have all gone through a stressful year. It is a truth that the more time you spend with someone the more time you have to pick them apart and find something that annoys you. Hell, if you think about it long enough you could pick out things that annoy you about you. So, if during 2020 you have had some minor annoyances with your partner, relax. Minor annoyances are a part of any relationship. Stick with the relationship.

But, remember that stay does not mean stay stagnant. If you have determined that your relationship can use some tweaks, then work towards making those changes. For example, if you and your partner need more time together then romance your partner. Commit to a biweekly or weekly date night and take it upon yourself to plan a special night for you both. Ask your partner to plan the next one. If you need more cooperation from your partner at home, make that shit clear. Create a chores list and expect their cooperation. Make whatever tweaks you need to be made to keep your relationship moving in the right direction.

STAY WITH CHANGES

In the last year, you have seen more than simply slight cracks in your relationship. But, you are not exactly ready to call your relationship quits. If that is where your mindset is, remember that you can be committed to your relationship AND request that changes be made.

This situation differs from the one above because in this situation, you are required to bring your concerns to your partner. When you are leaning into this category, it is because there are significant concerns that you cannot ignore or make better with a small tweak. If you and your partner cannot work through this alone. Consider seeking joint counseling from a qualified couples’ therapist.

GO

After my six question inventory you may have determined that you do not wish to continue in this relationship. Under this scenario, you have come to the conclusion that the relationship is not worth the effort to try to make changes. And you know what, that is okay.

If this is how you are feeling then you need to do several things. First, you need to accept your decision and then keep your mouth shut. Probably not what you were expecting. But, by realizing that there is no way to repair this relationship, you are going to have to take some active steps to get out of it. If you start telling your partner about how you are leaving then, you lose the advantage of making the changes you need before they can get situated. For example, you may have to divide a joint checking account but by telling them, you give them the opportunity to remove money from the account first. See what I am saying.

Second, you need to decide how you will make the change. The reality is that your relationship may not be easy to undo. Sure, if you are simply dating and have your own respective homes the change should not be too hard. However, if you are in a marriage living in one abode, the change will require much more coordination. Planning your exit, no matter how big or small, will aid in smoothing out the transition.

Third, and this suggestion really applies more to the people in complex relationships (marriage, living together, or simply just having a child together but not living together), make sure that you have addressed the legal implications of making the changes. Legal actions such as divorce or paternity often have provisions known as “temporary” or “interlocutory” orders that help protect you in such a situation.

Fourth, seek individual counseling. Even if you are the one making the change to your relationship, you should seek individual counseling to process those emotions. Even when you know the relationship is not right, you will go through a grieving process. Working through the emotions is the healthiest thing you can do for yourself.

Finally, pull the trigger. Implement your plan and execute it to completion. It will be painful and hard. Yes. There will be times when you second guess yourself. True. But, you can do it. You deserve to be in the relationship that you want. You do not have to settle for the relation shit.

How do you work through tough relationship decisions?

The Way We Were

When I was younger I thought so highly of myself. I thought I was the smartest fucking person in the world. I had perfect breasts and a fabulous ass. I thought I was going to be President of the World.

Now…

Well, I still think well of myself. I know I’m smart, but I don’t know everything. Okay, I know that I know very little. I still have great breasts and a decent ass. I think, maybe, I could be on city council.

As I get older, I realize that I have become a sexy Verbal Kint. I get up to start walking. My joints are stiff. I try to put one foot in front of the other. My foot turns in and a slight limp can be detected.

Toda Hodida.*

After a few steps, I begin to get my groove back. I start to switch my hips from side to side. I begin to glide. My bad-ass Kaiser Soze emerges.

Bam. Bam.

Some dangerous curves right there.

The thing is, I don’t feel that I should be getting older. I still look in the mirror and see the girl I have always seen. The girl I love. And I wonder if my husband can still see that girl too.

I worry that it may be getting harder for him to see me as I was. I worry that he will only see me as I am becoming. An older woman. I wonder if he worries about whether I see him as an aging man.

The bad news is that a successful marriage means that you will be with one person as you deteriorate and wither; in other words, age. But, the good news is that as you grow older, you may find different things that make the relationship sexier and richer. Earthier even.

But the one thing that can never change is you and your partner’s willingness to communicate. Because as long as you are both in agreement to how your relationship will be defined. You can maintain your love. By doing that you can continue to be the way you were.

*For the non-Spanish speaker, “toda hodida” is equivalent to “all fucked up.”


Rethinking Relationships

For this month’s Amada’s Guide to Men essay, I wanted to consider the way we think about relationships.

Prior to embarking upon my journey as an aspiring author, I have been working as an attorney in the areas of family and immigration law. Family law has given me insight in the ways in which relationships go astray. And, it has made me reconsider the standard relationship advice and beliefs.

Relationships are 50/50

There is a common notion that relationships are 50/50. First, this isn’t event true. Romantic relationships require each party to give 110% every moment of every day. Sure, you can give less but if you have too many days where it seems like you are giving less than your best, you will eventually see problems percolating in your relationship. Conversely, if your partner has too many days where they gives less than their best, eventually you feel resentment.

Second, the problem with this convention is that it requires each of you to constantly be assessing to determine whether you are getting a “Return On your Investment” (ROI) in the relationship. While it is important to ensure that you get as much out of your relationship as you put in, the reality is that you cannot keep tabs on it ALL the time. And, thinking of relationships as 50-50, in my opinion opens you up to constantly be looking at that ROI.

Finally, this convention creates the belief that each person is responsible for 50% of the obligations of the home and family. That’s also not true. You are each responsible 100% for everything in your life. Consider this. Almost any contract you sign jointly with another person contains a provision that requires each party to be “Jointly and Severally” liable. That means you are each 100% responsible irrespective of whether the other person pays their share. That perfectly sums up relationships. If your spouse is sick and he is the one that feeds and bathes the children, then you have to pick up the slack. If your spouse does not work in a capacity outside of the home (s)he is likely to be primarily responsible for overseeing all home responsibilities. And so on.

Your partner will complete you

I don’t mean to be insensitive here but… What’s wrong with you? What is missing from you that you require another person to feel complete?

This is one of the most concerning conventions that I hear. The problem with this one is that it puts all of the pressure on the other person. It requires them to do the work. Not only that, if there is something missing in your life and you expect the other person to fill that up, you may end up resenting them for trying to do just that.

Consider this scenario. You are a bit of a couch potato. You wish to be more athletic and adventurous. You find yourself an athletic adventurous partner. The first few months are fabulous. You have gone rock climbing, cycling, and kayaking. Things are great. A few months down the road your favorite series is coming out and you want to spend the whole weekend binge watching the previous seasons. No. Your more athletic half says. We should do some cycling this weekend. You feel frustrated. Why?

What at first felt like a rounding out of your personality, quickly becomes a competition for use of your time. Once the newness wears off you may be left feeling that you are only doing the things that the other person wants you to do.

You have an all or nothing mentality

One of the worst ways in which we approach relationships is with an all or nothing mentality. The person who doesn’t believe in divorce. The person who wants to cut their losses the first sign of problems. The person who refuses to make changes after their spouse has voiced concerns. These types of conventions cannot align with marriage because marriage is a bit of a paradox.

Marriage requires us to be strong within our own selves AND be willing to give in to group thinking. As an example, you cannot decide that you wish to buy a motorcycle with the money you and your partner have been saving for your first born’s tuition. It does not matter that the kid is only two years old and you just know you will be able to make up the money you take out.

But, it is important that you not lose yourself in the process. If you have been contemplating a motorcycle, talk to your partner. Discuss creating a special savings account devoted to the money you would need for such a purchase. In the meantime, take riding lessons from a friend or check online for local lessons.

Reframing the way you think about what it means to be in a relationship will increase your satisfaction in life. And, can prove a useful way to improve the quality of your current relationships, romantic or otherwise.

What are some relationship ideas that need to be reframed?

Reset The Romance

The world demands your attention. Life divides you into two. Your professional life. Your personal life. Your time then gets sliced into paper-thin pieces as obligations mount. These demands on your time make focusing on your romantic relationship tough.
 
You get to the point were everything seems more important than the romance. As you place less priority on your relationship, your partner often does the same. This is where the danger begins. The quote “complacency kills” is not just for empire building. It is also one that applies in marriage. If you feel that the complacency is killing the romance in your relationship, now is the time to change it.
 
Are you ready to get out of the relationship rut? If so, hit the reset button and change it up quick. Here are three ideas that you can use over the next month to help you reset the romance and your mindset.
 
DO GOOD
 
“Do Good” is a motto that has been a constant in my adult life. It is my sorority’s motto and a phrase through which I examine the world. It has been a part of my life for twenty years. Yet, I had never thought about applying it in my romantic relationship until recently. When I did, I saw a shift in my spouse’s response.
 
First, I spend a few minutes each week thinking, “how can I do good in my spouse’s life?” I start by learning what my spouse’s schedule for the week. I try to find times when he could benefit from support. Once I identify a few ways that I can make his life easier, lovelier, or more fun during the week, I make a list. I try to incorporate one or two of those ideas throughout the week.
 
Next, I encourage our son to think of ways that he can do good for his father. I remind him to show respect in the way he speaks to his father. I ask him to oversee chores his father does not enjoy like managing our trash and recycling efforts. (Note, my stepson is 15 years of age.) Every chance that I can, I remind my son that we must look out for his father as his father looks out for us.
 
Finally, I look for spur of the moment opportunities that I can show small acts of kindness. An example of this is getting my spouse a glass of water if I hear him coughing. Another is cooking his favorite foods and meals during the week. I love to cook, the question is will I have time to cook? If I do, I try to consider his palate, mostly because he is pickier than I am. But, he appreciates that I try. PS- If cooking is not your forte, no big, find what works for you. These are not fancy actions but they are actions that my husband notices.
 
USE YOUR SENSES
 
You know them; the five traditional senses. Sight, sound, taste, smell, and touch. If you are trying to reset the romance in your relationship, consider the five senses. Consider the following thoughts or questions:
 
Sight
 
Sight helps you take in the greatest amount of information in at a time. For that reason, it is the most important in this analysis. It is important to create positive sight cues for your spouse. It is okay to start with basic questions. Will my spouse find me appealing to the eye? Do I look attractive? These are relevant questions. But, go beyond the simple am I pretty? (of course you are.) Dig further. Consider asking yourself tougher questions. Will my spouse be happy to see me? Do I look happy to see him? Does my face reflect the way in which I want him to look at me. In other words, am I smiling, frowning, upset? If yes, would I want the same facial expression mirrored back to me?
 
Sound
 
Hearing is a powerful tool. It helps us absorb the world around us. And, it is a fun tool that you can use to your advantage in a relationship. I use hearing in several ways.
 
First, consider the words that you use. Words have incredible power. Words become an amazing tool. I use alliterative phrases. This means I like words that have the same sounds. For example, I refer to my partner by calling him my “sweet spouse, handsome husband, or beautiful babe.” 
 
Finally, I use the power of volume. When I want a good thought to remain in my husband’s head throughout the day, I talk soft into his ear. It can be something sweet. It can be something naughty. Whatever it is, I want that idea floating in and out of his head throughout the day. And, I seldom use the “HIGH” volume as I have found that to be most ineffective for my spouse. But, when I do he knows I am not messing around.
 
Taste
 
Taste is a particularly hard sense to contemplate when considering your relationship. After all, I could suggest making him a good meal every once in a while. But since I mentioned that earlier, reiterating it sounds all sexist and gross. No.
 
When I contemplated taste, the truth is that only sexual scenarios where hitting my head. Yes, I am talking about oral sex. Specifically, I thought of how different cunnilingus feels when you are hair-free. If you have never done it, consider a full on Brazilian wax job. It will definitely change the experience for your spouse. And for you. 
Smell
 
This is not about to get all silly and remind you to shower. I have heard some stay at home moms complain that they do not have time to even shower. I have no position on that because I have never been a stay at home parent. But, in general, I do not think that I should have to tell grown ass people to bathe. 
 
What I am envisioning is different. I believe that smells can bring about comfort and even nostalgia. So, consider aromatherapy in the home. Provide your spouse with the ability to differentiate between work and home. Run an aromatherapy machine in your bedroom to set a more relaxing ambiance. Make sure that it smells nothing like his place of employment. You want to use scents to create different moods.
 
Another option is to stick to a signature scent for yourself. In doing this, you train him to associate a scent with you. Thereafter, whenever your spouse encounters the scent they think of you.
 
Touch
 
Touch is important to human experiences. As babies, touch and the need for it, is the first sense to develop. Without touch, we atrophy. The warmth of someone’s touch can make all the difference in the world. For that reason, touch your spouse often. But, this is not about the need to have more sex (which you should.) No, this is about simple touch. The touch that says, I am here for you.
 
I use touch in several ways. First, I use touch to help assure my partner. An example of this type of touch is the way in which I caress the back of his neck when he is driving. Why do I do this? Well, I have done it since we were dating. But, I have noticed that it helps my spouse control the road rage when he is driving. Another example of a good touch is that intended to relax or calm your partner. This can include a small shoulder massage before bed or scratching his back. Figure out what type of touch your spouse responds to then use it liberally.
 
TAKE CARE OF YOU
 
Women believe that it is our job to take care of everyone before we take care of ourselves. But, this is the wrong approach. Like the instructions given at the beginning of a flight, to help others, you must help yourself first.
 
I began to work out with a trainer a few months ago. I started weightlifting; free weights, not machines. The exercise proved very helpful for my emotional well being. It reduces my anxiety and depression. It even helped me sleep better. Plus, I have begun to develop muscle and have noticed some weight loss. This makes me feel sexy and confident.
 
You know what else has happened, I have changed some of the ways in which I interact with my spouse. I am more willing to let go of the small stuff because I am too worn out to care. I am more comfortable in my own skin. This means that like when we first started dating, he can touch me anywhere- stomach included. And I am not going to push his hand away or tell him how gross my stomach looks. PS- ladies, never tell your husband something about you is gross. He doesn’t think that until you implant that shit in his head.
 
But, it is not the workout that has changed the way I interact with my sweet spouse. It is the change in me. Now, that I have carved out some time to take care of me, I am not worked up about every little thing. And, that is the best thing that I could do to reset the romance.
 
Thinking about resetting the romance in your relationship? If so, what steps are you going to take? If you have found success in resetting the romance, share your story in the comments below.

What is Amada’s Guide?

 

Over the course of the last four months I have been pondering ways in which I can share my nonfiction and fiction writings with those who, like me, wish to see more Latinas in literature. I decided to create this website.

But, I also wanted to find ways to connect with other Latinas and share my journey. I wanted to share my thoughts. More importantly, I wanted a place where others can share their journeys and thoughts with me. For that purpose, I present you my blog, Amada’s Guide to Money, Men & Mama.

Amada’s Guide is a compilation of nonfiction essays where I will present topics that I hope can help Latinas. I will present ideas on career development, financial planning, and money management (the Money portion of the blog.) I will share my insights on sex and romantic relationships (the Men portion- though I don’t necessarily mean to exclude women who love women from reading my blog; I am just a sucker for alliteration.) And, I will start a conversation about parenting, step parenting, and relating to our parents as adults (thus, the Mama portion of the blog.) I will also present special feature articles throughout the year. Finally, I will post motivational or thoughtful mantras that help me shape the person that I am. I hope they will help you as well.

I compile all of these things in AMADA’S GUIDE because I want to share the ways I have managed both my career and personal development. I hope my ideas will help you too. And, if you want to share your ideas for success with me and others, please connect. Respond in comments or post to my Facebook page. I would love to learn from you.

Con Cariño, Amada.

Mama-3