Are you in a relationship or relation shit?

Posted on by Amada Acosta Addair in Men

The COVID-19 pandemic has made something evident, the trials and tribulations of life are dealt unevenly depending on your race, gender, and financial class. These trials and tribulations are made much worse if you have the wrong partner at your side. After all, relationships can be tough in the best of circumstances. But, during times of trouble a bad relationships can be taxing on your mental, emotional and even physical well-being.

If, during 2020, you questioned the value of your relationship, then 2021 is the year you should give yourself an answer. To obtain an answers to relationship questions I recommend that you do some self analysis and inventory. If you need help on how to start this process, read on…

Self analysis

Any relationship in which you are in must work for you. If the relationship feels like work, then it may not be the right relationship. But only you can determine whether you are in a relationship or a relation shit. Even your mom or best friend cannot tell you if you are in a relation shit because they do not experience it first hand.

If you want to find an answer to the title question, “are you in a relationship or relation shit”, you must ask hard questions. I propose you start with the following six questions. They have helped me in my past and current relationships. They may help you begin to find an answer to your relationship questions.

  1. Are you happy with the intimacy you share with your partner?
  2. Do you feel as strongly or stronger for your partner than you did at the beginning of the relationship?
  3. Do you trust your partner and does your partner trust you?
  4. Do you look forward to your future with your partner?
  5. Do you respect each other?
  6. Does your relationship make you feel good about yourself?

These are heavy questions, right? They are not meant to be simple yes or no questions, though they can be answered with a simple yes or no. Rather, they should be used as a springboard so you can inventory your relationship. The seventh question you should ask as a follow up to each question is “WHY?” The answers to your why’s will help you get clarity.

Do you have some answers yet? Once you have some answers, the stage is set for you to… contemplate your answers. I know. You probably expected me to tell you to ditch your relationship and enjoy the sun. No. The truth is that unless you are in a relationship where your physical life or mental health are at risk, you should think before pulling the trigger on a relationship decision.

Besides, your only choices are not just stay the same or go. In my opinion, there are three things you can do after analyzing your relationship. You can decide to “Stay”, “Stay with Changes” or “Go.”

STAY

If your relationship has shown small signs of crack and wear as a result of 2020, take a moment to recognize that we have all gone through a stressful year. It is a truth that the more time you spend with someone the more time you have to pick them apart and find something that annoys you. Hell, if you think about it long enough you could pick out things that annoy you about you. So, if during 2020 you have had some minor annoyances with your partner, relax. Minor annoyances are a part of any relationship. Stick with the relationship.

But, remember that stay does not mean stay stagnant. If you have determined that your relationship can use some tweaks, then work towards making those changes. For example, if you and your partner need more time together then romance your partner. Commit to a biweekly or weekly date night and take it upon yourself to plan a special night for you both. Ask your partner to plan the next one. If you need more cooperation from your partner at home, make that shit clear. Create a chores list and expect their cooperation. Make whatever tweaks you need to be made to keep your relationship moving in the right direction.

STAY WITH CHANGES

In the last year, you have seen more than simply slight cracks in your relationship. But, you are not exactly ready to call your relationship quits. If that is where your mindset is, remember that you can be committed to your relationship AND request that changes be made.

This situation differs from the one above because in this situation, you are required to bring your concerns to your partner. When you are leaning into this category, it is because there are significant concerns that you cannot ignore or make better with a small tweak. If you and your partner cannot work through this alone. Consider seeking joint counseling from a qualified couples’ therapist.

GO

After my six question inventory you may have determined that you do not wish to continue in this relationship. Under this scenario, you have come to the conclusion that the relationship is not worth the effort to try to make changes. And you know what, that is okay.

If this is how you are feeling then you need to do several things. First, you need to accept your decision and then keep your mouth shut. Probably not what you were expecting. But, by realizing that there is no way to repair this relationship, you are going to have to take some active steps to get out of it. If you start telling your partner about how you are leaving then, you lose the advantage of making the changes you need before they can get situated. For example, you may have to divide a joint checking account but by telling them, you give them the opportunity to remove money from the account first. See what I am saying.

Second, you need to decide how you will make the change. The reality is that your relationship may not be easy to undo. Sure, if you are simply dating and have your own respective homes the change should not be too hard. However, if you are in a marriage living in one abode, the change will require much more coordination. Planning your exit, no matter how big or small, will aid in smoothing out the transition.

Third, and this suggestion really applies more to the people in complex relationships (marriage, living together, or simply just having a child together but not living together), make sure that you have addressed the legal implications of making the changes. Legal actions such as divorce or paternity often have provisions known as “temporary” or “interlocutory” orders that help protect you in such a situation.

Fourth, seek individual counseling. Even if you are the one making the change to your relationship, you should seek individual counseling to process those emotions. Even when you know the relationship is not right, you will go through a grieving process. Working through the emotions is the healthiest thing you can do for yourself.

Finally, pull the trigger. Implement your plan and execute it to completion. It will be painful and hard. Yes. There will be times when you second guess yourself. True. But, you can do it. You deserve to be in the relationship that you want. You do not have to settle for the relation shit.

How do you work through tough relationship decisions?

2020: Made to See

Posted on by Amada Acosta Addair in Loving the Land, Money

20/20 was previously associated in my mind with perfect vision. Prior to 2019, I longed for the clarity that the number brought.

But after the year that was last year, I know see 2020 as the Christmas Carol of years. The ghosts of America’s Christmas past (slavery/racism), present (pandemic), and future (climate change), came into the forefront.

And, much like Ebenezer in the well-known tale, we have an opportunity to turn this shit around. The forewarning should be heeded. This is the impetus for us engage in best practices.

Anti-racism

I am not trying to pretend that I am an expert in anything. So please do not take my tips as anything more than well-meaning suggestions. To work on your own thinking the best thing you can do is look for content from various mediums.

One of the things that I do to break my own stereotyped or unbalanced thinking is to read. So try it. Read books about how to combat racism or that re-educate prior thinking. I also seek out documentaries and positive films. Watch movies that highlight the potential of people of races other than your own. And most importantly, think before you speak. Force yourself to think differently. Be kind. Be sensitive. Don’t joke about people’s differences. Look at others as fully realized people. Don’t make assumptions about other people.

Pandemic

I don’t foresee my life returning to the “pre-pandemic” normal. No. I have learned too much. Instead, I see myself adopting new practices that were learned in 2020 to maintain my health. First, masks. It goes without saying that I will continue to wear masks and socially distance until I complete the round of vaccines. I encourage all to do so. But, even after that I will continue to incorporate them into daily life. I intend to wear masks out in public anytime I feel under the weather. I do not intend to return to the practice of shaking hands. Most importantly, I intend to maintain the practice of being grateful and kind to all front line workers.

Climate Change

Although climate change always feels monumentally large, remember that everyone must make changes in their behavior to improve our planet’s health. During the lockdown that started in March, the planet saw small improvements to the carbon emissions. This was a surprising benefit of the pandemic. But, it did encourage me to think more about the planet’s nonhuman inhabitants. I placed food receptacles out for squirrels and birds in my backyard. I have continued that practice into the winter. I have had the benefit of seeing bluejays and cardinals even into December.

Of course, feeding a few small creatures is not enough. Other things that I am trying to do are using my vehicle less and being less wasteful. Other opportunities that we can all take include: buying local products to reduce your carbon footprint, donating to worthwhile causes, and participating in waterway or roadside cleanups. Plus, the most important thing we can all do is encourage corporations whose products we buy to make more environmentally conscious choices. After all, it is corporations that are the biggest contributors to climate change.

Creating a great Philly steak sandwich

Posted on by Amada Acosta Addair in Food Fight

Cooking good meals for my family is important to me. One of the go to meals that I like to make at home is the Philly steak sandwich.

It is a fairly simple sandwich. Finely chopped beef (Kroger produces an already chopped product that I love), onions, peppers, provolone cheese, and a good hoagie style bread. I like to add some seasoning to my meat. If you have it available, a jalapeño salt is a good seasoning. If not, mix salt, black pepper, onion powder, garlic powder, chili powder, and chili pepper flakes to your meat to enhance the flavors.

I like to begin with a hot griddle. I cook the peppers and onions in some olive oil. When they have begun to soften, I add the meat to my hot griddle where it can begin to take on some of the flavoring of the onions and peppers.

When the meat is cooked to my liking, I begin to warm the bread on the same griddle. Then, I add a few slices of provolone on top of the meat. This helps the provolone melt nicely. Finally, I lay the bread open on top of the provolone and use a large spatula in one hand and my hand to turn the sandwich right side up.

Did you try to make my Philly sandwich? How did you change the recipe to make it your own?

Breaking bad (habits)

Posted on by Amada Acosta Addair in Mama, Uncategorized, Wise Latina

I have been a life-long nail biter. I do not know how this habit started or why it began. But, I can remember being as young as six years old and biting my nails.

Since corona commenced, the thought of putting my fingers in my mouth creates a whole new level of anxiety. It is unfortunate that it has taken me this long to acknowledge the overall ickiness of this habit; but, I guess it’s never too late to make a positive change. This change in perspective means that I am finally enjoying pretty nail polishes and lovely hands.

Now, there are many opinions on how to break bad habits. I found several good articles while I prepared this essay that I recommend for anyone who needs proven tools. (Harvard Business Review article and Time Magazine article.) But, I cannot say that I broke my nail biting habit with much forethought.

I started getting nervous about my nail biting. At some point, I realized that the new medical reality added an extra layer of danger and disgust to my habit. Of course, this is an anxiety driven habit where it helps to keep your hands busy. So, one of the things I did during lockdown was to start painting my nails. This led to less incidents of my hands in my mouth.

I still have a ways to go before I can say that I am completely cured of my bad habit. But, I do feel that I have new tools with which I can quell this behavior.

Have you ever had to change behavior? What behavior or habit did you try to change? What worked? What didn’t?