The world demands your attention. Life divides you into two. Your professional life. Your personal life. Your time then gets sliced into paper-thin pieces as obligations mount. These demands on your time make focusing on your romantic relationship tough.
You get to the point were everything seems more important than the romance. As you place less priority on your relationship, your partner often does the same. This is where the danger begins. The quote “complacency kills” is not just for empire building. It is also one that applies in marriage. If you feel that the complacency is killing the romance in your relationship, now is the time to change it.
Are you ready to get out of the relationship rut? If so, hit the reset button and change it up quick. Here are three ideas that you can use over the next month to help you reset the romance and your mindset.
DO GOOD
“Do Good” is a motto that has been a constant in my adult life. It is my sorority’s motto and a phrase through which I examine the world. It has been a part of my life for twenty years. Yet, I had never thought about applying it in my romantic relationship until recently. When I did, I saw a shift in my spouse’s response.
First, I spend a few minutes each week thinking, “how can I do good in my spouse’s life?” I start by learning what my spouse’s schedule for the week. I try to find times when he could benefit from support. Once I identify a few ways that I can make his life easier, lovelier, or more fun during the week, I make a list. I try to incorporate one or two of those ideas throughout the week.
Next, I encourage our son to think of ways that he can do good for his father. I remind him to show respect in the way he speaks to his father. I ask him to oversee chores his father does not enjoy like managing our trash and recycling efforts. (Note, my stepson is 15 years of age.) Every chance that I can, I remind my son that we must look out for his father as his father looks out for us.
Finally, I look for spur of the moment opportunities that I can show small acts of kindness. An example of this is getting my spouse a glass of water if I hear him coughing. Another is cooking his favorite foods and meals during the week. I love to cook, the question is will I have time to cook? If I do, I try to consider his palate, mostly because he is pickier than I am. But, he appreciates that I try. PS- If cooking is not your forte, no big, find what works for you. These are not fancy actions but they are actions that my husband notices.
USE YOUR SENSES
You know them; the five traditional senses. Sight, sound, taste, smell, and touch. If you are trying to reset the romance in your relationship, consider the five senses. Consider the following thoughts or questions:
Sight
Sight helps you take in the greatest amount of information in at a time. For that reason, it is the most important in this analysis. It is important to create positive sight cues for your spouse. It is okay to start with basic questions. Will my spouse find me appealing to the eye? Do I look attractive? These are relevant questions. But, go beyond the simple am I pretty? (of course you are.) Dig further. Consider asking yourself tougher questions. Will my spouse be happy to see me? Do I look happy to see him? Does my face reflect the way in which I want him to look at me. In other words, am I smiling, frowning, upset? If yes, would I want the same facial expression mirrored back to me?
Sound
Hearing is a powerful tool. It helps us absorb the world around us. And, it is a fun tool that you can use to your advantage in a relationship. I use hearing in several ways.
First, consider the words that you use. Words have incredible power. Words become an amazing tool. I use alliterative phrases. This means I like words that have the same sounds. For example, I refer to my partner by calling him my “sweet spouse, handsome husband, or beautiful babe.”
Finally, I use the power of volume. When I want a good thought to remain in my husband’s head throughout the day, I talk soft into his ear. It can be something sweet. It can be something naughty. Whatever it is, I want that idea floating in and out of his head throughout the day. And, I seldom use the “HIGH” volume as I have found that to be most ineffective for my spouse. But, when I do he knows I am not messing around.
Taste
Taste is a particularly hard sense to contemplate when considering your relationship. After all, I could suggest making him a good meal every once in a while. But since I mentioned that earlier, reiterating it sounds all sexist and gross. No.
When I contemplated taste, the truth is that only sexual scenarios where hitting my head. Yes, I am talking about oral sex. Specifically, I thought of how different cunnilingus feels when you are hair-free. If you have never done it, consider a full on Brazilian wax job. It will definitely change the experience for your spouse. And for you.
Smell
This is not about to get all silly and remind you to shower. I have heard some stay at home moms complain that they do not have time to even shower. I have no position on that because I have never been a stay at home parent. But, in general, I do not think that I should have to tell grown ass people to bathe.
What I am envisioning is different. I believe that smells can bring about comfort and even nostalgia. So, consider aromatherapy in the home. Provide your spouse with the ability to differentiate between work and home. Run an aromatherapy machine in your bedroom to set a more relaxing ambiance. Make sure that it smells nothing like his place of employment. You want to use scents to create different moods.
Another option is to stick to a signature scent for yourself. In doing this, you train him to associate a scent with you. Thereafter, whenever your spouse encounters the scent they think of you.
Touch
Touch is important to human experiences. As babies, touch and the need for it, is the first sense to develop. Without touch, we atrophy. The warmth of someone’s touch can make all the difference in the world. For that reason, touch your spouse often. But, this is not about the need to have more sex (which you should.) No, this is about simple touch. The touch that says, I am here for you.
I use touch in several ways. First, I use touch to help assure my partner. An example of this type of touch is the way in which I caress the back of his neck when he is driving. Why do I do this? Well, I have done it since we were dating. But, I have noticed that it helps my spouse control the road rage when he is driving. Another example of a good touch is that intended to relax or calm your partner. This can include a small shoulder massage before bed or scratching his back. Figure out what type of touch your spouse responds to then use it liberally.
TAKE CARE OF YOU
Women believe that it is our job to take care of everyone before we take care of ourselves. But, this is the wrong approach. Like the instructions given at the beginning of a flight, to help others, you must help yourself first.
I began to work out with a trainer a few months ago. I started weightlifting; free weights, not machines. The exercise proved very helpful for my emotional well being. It reduces my anxiety and depression. It even helped me sleep better. Plus, I have begun to develop muscle and have noticed some weight loss. This makes me feel sexy and confident.
You know what else has happened, I have changed some of the ways in which I interact with my spouse. I am more willing to let go of the small stuff because I am too worn out to care. I am more comfortable in my own skin. This means that like when we first started dating, he can touch me anywhere- stomach included. And I am not going to push his hand away or tell him how gross my stomach looks. PS- ladies, never tell your husband something about you is gross. He doesn’t think that until you implant that shit in his head.
But, it is not the workout that has changed the way I interact with my sweet spouse. It is the change in me. Now, that I have carved out some time to take care of me, I am not worked up about every little thing. And, that is the best thing that I could do to reset the romance.
Thinking about resetting the romance in your relationship? If so, what steps are you going to take? If you have found success in resetting the romance, share your story in the comments below.
Amada Acosta Addair 